Tricksy Blixie’s Film’s Best Nixie!

An awful lot of pants movies have been made over the years with fairies and goblins in, and Legend must be one of the worst of them. Clichéd one-dimensional characters, god-awful dialogue, predictable overarching plot tied together by a bunch of utterly nonsensical progressions, no real sense of danger at any time, no real sense of character development (She’s good! She’s evil! No she was just pretending to be evil she’s actually good!), overall tone of saccharine yuck, bad interpretive processing going on with the choice of lighting strength and hue, hasn’t aged well, mediocre performances from actors we know can do better, etc.

To give it some credit it is a film that I think makes a braver attempt than many to capture some of the character of fairies in tradition, but the action moves so fast there is only a matter of seconds to hint at, say, capriciousness in the character of Oona (She’s able to get the key! She’ll only do it if Jack’ll kiss her! He won’t! She vanishes! Where’s she gone? Oh the suspense! Hurrah - here she is with the key!). I reckon that Meg Mucklebones is a nice enough riff on the Jenny Greenteeth, Nelly Longarms type of carnivorous water sprite too.

I also don’t want to miss the point that Legend is, in intent and delivery, a loud, brash, enjoyable, good vs evil romp for kids either. Most of all, I certainly don't want to deny that it possesses the very best Goblin ever committed to celluloid in the shape of The Mighty Blix!

Why is Blix film’s best Goblin?

Blix gets to do all the cool things Goblins tend to do in films, like ride a giant wolf, wear a top costume, do a funny voice, cackle regularly and wildly, threaten to eat kids, make a grovelling display of sycophancy to a big red demon, belligerently boss about a bevy of subordinate Goblins.

Blix is a cool name for a Goblin, sounding sort of like a swear word and sort of like a cleaning product. This is a good formula for the creation of Goblin names. Jick. Shidge. Fuff. Cullit Bunt. See? Other characters in the film have awful names (“Darkness”, “Brown Tom”, “Jack”). I think they may have blown the film’s cool name budget wholly on Blix, with maybe a bit saved over for Meg Mucklebones.

Blix is ugly, and I mean Really Ugly. Long curvy nose and tapered ears that look painfully fragile, cruel slash of a mouth, greasy matted hair, rotten pale greeny hue. Blix never smiles but he leers, he never frowns but he sneers. Apparently Alice Playten (the actress playing Blix - where is her Oscar?) suggested that his look be based on that of Keith Richards. Keef! Genius! That’s how fugly Blix is.

Whilst the other characters in the play mutter a lot of half-assed clichés Blix makes an attempt to spout verse at apt moments. Asked by his boss, Darkness, if his heart is dark enough for the nefarious deeds he will soon be asked to perform Blix responds “Black as midnight, black as pitch, blacker than the foulest witch.” Other rhymes include, “Mortal world turned to ice... Here be goblin paradise!” and (personal favourite) “May be innocent, may be sweet... ain't half as nice as rotting meat.”

Alright it’s not exactly Shakespearian iambic pentameter, but you try better with regular off-the-cuff ad-libs. Your standards will slip after a few days, I bet you.

Blix’s lieutenants, Blunder and Pox, are two of the best Goblin subordinates in film themselves - well, except that Blunder is not really a Goblin but some kind of undercover Mexican Dwarf in a suit of armour (though it is a brilliant suit of armour) and Pox is also not really a Goblin but some sort of Pig-like thing, perhaps inspired by Jimmy Squarefoot. Blunder and Pox also ride about on giant wolves, spout random verse and look properly grotesque. So Blix's subordinates are two of film's best Goblins as well, even though they aren't even really Goblins.

Blix is just about the only character in the film who behaves with any sort of competence (I know that the good guys win in the end, but just through a mixture of dumb luck and "because they are good" really). Anyway, in the space of a few hours Blix manages to poison a Unicorn and hew off its horn and then capture a second Unicorn and a princess, he responds well to critical feedback from his employer (Darkness really lacks the social skills to make an effective leader, bellowing "You insignificant strands of toad slobber!" at your workforce does not lead to a happy working environment, but Blix copes well with this sort of abuse), he also provides effective line management for Pox (admittedly Blunder becomes insubordinate, but remember he is not really a Goblin but an undercover Mexican Dwarf, in fact - further credit should be due to Blix for leading his team so effectively when half of them are actually undercover Mexican Dwarfs). Blix does display some downsides, a touch of megalomania (though I think his crowing about ruling the world really boils down to motivational banter and is therefore forgivable) and the inability to properly shoot a drunken Dwarf. Most movie Goblins are there to provide the comic relief, but despite the rhymes and anarchic play with the other Goblins there's precious little comic relief with Blix, you really honestly wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley.

Perhaps best of all, he escapes admonishment at the end of the film, he and Pox just seem to slink off when Darkness receives his eventual comeuppance. Most fantasy villains, no matter how lowly, are shown getting some sort of just desserts in the final stages of these sort of films, yet Blix (who I repeat is the only character in the film who seems to display much ability) slinks off to brood further plans for world domination (I like to imagine).

Utterly cool.